My Teacher Shoots Better Than Yours

October 15, 2019
4 min read

Every time we think it can’t get any more absurd, they always seem to find a way to surprise us. By them, I mean the men and women in fancy suits seemingly unfit to lead anything other than a potato sack race and by surprise I mean the glorified idea to hand out guns to teachers.

Ohh and did I mention bonuses? Beautiful bonuses for those, who the potato sack racers declare fit enough to carry out the dirty work for them.

Excellent idea!

Mister B, father of two teenagers and currently teaching Math and Science at a High School downtown, will soon bring a Glock 43 to his almost fun but not Grade 10 classes, neatly packed between his Casio calculator and a made-with-love chicken-mayo-pickle sandwich. Mister B gets paid around 50k per annum plus healthcare to teach bratty teenagers the mathematical study of continuous change, how to solve equations for x or y and occasionally shoot them in the head if they decide to act out.

I mean, that’s one heck of a job description.

A job description destined for killer (pun totally intended) conversations in Teacher’s rooms all around the country.

“Miles got a D and two bullets through the skull today.
Little shit got so upset and reached for something in his backpack, so I got him right between the eyes.
False alarm though — it turns out that he was grabbing his drawing compass for the next class. Oops, my bad.
Do you think, I still get my bonus though?”

Seriously though, in times like these, how can this even be a legitimately discussed option? Two weeks or so after a 19-year-old schoolboy wipes out the lives of 17 others with an assault rifle we somehow come to the grand conclusion that more guns in school will make them safer?!

I wonder if the next time, someone hijacks a plane we are going to propose to hand out firearms to every passenger on the flight to make “flying safer.”

It would make perfect sense since the potato sack racers love to refer to “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” phrase every time they are running out of excuses to justify the notion of dismissing stricter gun laws.

A statement, that’s in itself one big pile of contradicting shit.

Let’s pretend for a second that “the more gun, less crime” claim would make a teeny weeny bit of sense; the United States would have the lowest rates of gun violence in any developed country, but that is as far away from reality as Mexico’s enthusiasm to foot the bill for a big beautiful wall down south.

So why on earth are we still avoiding the unavoidable? I mean, I know it’s the NRA’s go-to move every time a gun-related incident takes place to avoid, deflect and delay the issue until the world has moved on to bigger, brighter and better things.

They keep dodging bullets (Me vs. Puns 2:0) while innocent teenagers don’t. They sit there in their fancy suits and receding hairlines high 5'ing each other for the ridiculous notion of arming teachers to stop the school shootings when instead, they could fist bump the hell out of each other for putting a stop to it all together.

Unlike law enforcement personnel who know the risks and what the job might entail, teachers are trained AND paid to educate kids, and not to participate in a good ol’ Western high stakes shootout if necessary.

They are good at History and Science, they excel in marking essays and breaking up fights in the cafeteria, but they aren’t supposed to pick up the slack for the mess you’ve created in the first place.

Potato Sack racers; Let them be teachers just like they let you guys be idiots.

Oh, and how about you use the 250 Million — 1 Billion Dollars it would cost to train and arm teachers around the country to A; give them a big fat pay rise and B; stop high 5'ing each other already and treat yourselves to a SpaceX trip to the moon instead — ONE WAY Tickets only.

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